A Change in Identity
Just over 100 days free. Three digits, right? Cool, right?
To be honest I'm less concerned with the number of days behind me, I'm trying to keep my focus on this day, same as always.
But here's something that has changed.
When I started this blog I still very much though of myself as an addict, pretty much first and foremost. For the past two years I have called myself “an addict who is trying to get free”. But “an addict” has been my main personality trait for a long time. Not that I would have ever admitted that to anyone else, but if I asked myself “what are you?” the first word that would come up would be “addict”, or something even more derogatory.
But it's not anymore. Now I'm a person who deals with addiction. The addiction has moved down the list, from the main noun I use to describe myself, to being an external noun with which I am dealing. It's still there; I'm still keeping an eye on it, doing everything I can to avoid it and keep it at arm's length, or farther, but it's not me anymore.
There are even moments, each day, quiet moments where nothing is on my mind and I'm not instantly seized by the desire to go find my addiction and use again. I know that sounds like a small thing but I assure you it is not.
So hey, here's to progress, and to little steps. Words matter. I'm glad that I'm able to use slightly less condemning words about myself now.