Hi there. I'm A.

A for “Author”.

A for “Anonymous”.

A for “Addict”.

This is me hiding in public, Telling everyone my most private secrets out loud, but with my face hidden.

I've been an addict for a long time. I've tried to get free over and over again. Right now I'm feeling more hopeful about finally, actually getting free than I have in years and I thought I should write some of what I'm feeling down. Maybe it'll help someone. Maybe it'll only help me. Not sure yet.

What is Addiction?

Lots of people have defined it in a lot of ways, so here's what I mean when I talk about addiction:

Addiction is a condition in which a person engages in the use of a substance or in a behavior for which the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive to repeatedly pursue the behavior despite detrimental consequences. Psychology Today (Emphasis added)

I'm not going to specify which addiction has caught me, nor am I going to say who I am. This isn't because I'm afraid someone will tell the cops, or my loved ones, or religious leaders. My addiction is legal, my loved ones and religious leaders already know. In fact they are supporting me in my quest to be free. So I'm one of the lucky ones. I have support.

For the purposes of this blog I'm not going to worry about how “addictive” various substances or behaviors may or may not be. That discussion is an important one for qualified scientists and therapists and medical professionals to have, to research, and to seek to understand. But it doesn't help here. I recognize that I've been an addict for quite a length of time and I don't want to be any more.

Yes, I'm Seeking Help.

Much help from many sources. Family, religious, professional therapy, support groups both in person and online, any and all of it in various different configurations at different times. Multiple sources of help right now. It all helps. It's all valuable. I'm on the road up and out. Hopefully I can stay on that road.

So What's This For?

I just want to get some thoughts out there. For all of my failures and failings I've learned a few things and I thought I would share them. I've been sad and overwhelmed and figure someone else might have felt the same. Maybe it would help them to know they're not the only one who feels that way. It sure would help me. Basically I'm writing the blog I've been wanting to read.

This isn't me preaching or saying I have all the answers (or any answers). This is just my record of the feelings and experiences I've had as I try to move out of that state where I “repeatedly pursue [a] behavior despite detrimental consequences” and into a state where I have more control over my life. I'm not committing to any publishing schedule or quality of posts. I'm just writing in the hopes that someone else will see this and feel less alone. Maybe someone else who is fighting to get free will see something that clicks with them.

So. Here's to freedom.