For various reasons, life is a bit more stressful right now than it has been. The usual stuff: money, family, work. Just
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to
as Hamlet would say. In other words: daily life.
But with that stress has come an added temptation to turn back to the addiction. This is also expected. It makes sense. For decades that was my approach to dealing with stress in my life.
Never mind the fact that, in the end, the effects of the addiction usually make the stress worse.
Never mind the fact that being addicted was a massive source of stress during those decades.
Never mind the fact that I always feel worse about myself—and my situation— when I'm coming out of the effects of using than I felt before I used.
Yes, you're right. I'm saying all this to remind myself of these facts. The urge is strong right now, but as I remind myself of how foolish it is I can feel it loosening just a bit. Probably enough that I can wriggle my way free and avoid using for another day. Enough that I can look for healthy ways of dealing with life. Enough that I can recognize that I need to face my stresses, not try to cover them with the chemical blitz that comes from using.
205 days clean. That's more than half a year. Here's to the next 205.