Calm

Not sure if this is any sort of “official” milestone, but I just realized that I have passed an internal milestone.

I can be alone, and still be calm.

For the past few months being alone has been dangerous. When I'm alone my brain has been spinning into the “hey nobody's watching, let's use” mindset, and I've had to do some pretty fancy footwork to move out of that mindset into something healthier. This has also meant that I'm trying to limit my time alone, trying to stay close to people I love, people that support me and also look to me for support. That's definitely helped a lot.

But I realized that I can spend time alone and not be totally hijacked by cravings. My brain doesn't immediately start planning the route from where I am to where I can get my addiction, like it used to. I can just read a book or watch a show for a while and be fine.

That doesn't mean I'm letting my guard down. If anything, I'm training myself to plan the other route, the one from where I am to where I can get help. Cravings still come up, and they aren't actually on a schedule. I'm still keeping myself under observation, but I'm less terrified than I used to be. I've made it 178 days, and I have more hope that I can keep going.