Weakening Hooks
A day or so ago I was driving, listening to the radio, and a song came on that I have tried to avoid. For me, a year ago, it was full of hooks that would pull me towards my addiction. As I changed the channel (no reason to tempt fate) I had a flashback to the last time I had heard that song. I remembered thinking, at the time, “man, how can I not use, hearing that?” Here in the present, the hooks seemed silly, even trivial. They did not make me feel like I had to go use right away, not at all.
Of course I still changed the channel, but it was a startling realization. The song itself wasn't really a hook, the hook was inside me the whole time!
It was a good feeling, and some needed confidence, especially before last night.
What Happened Last Night?
Last night the urge was strong. I'm not sure if it's been three weeks or what, but I was sorely tried, and it felt like sneaking out of bed and going out to find my addiction was inevitable. I forced myself to stay in bed (staying in bed shouldn't be an act of will, I know. But it was) and then I dreamed that I was using. So when I half-awoke I was sure that I had already ruined my streak, and felt like I was back in the depths...until I realized that it had just been a dream. I still felt like I had failed when I got up a few hours later. Dreams are hard to shake sometimes.
Anyway. 191 days clean, according to the app I'm using to track that number in my phone. Almost two thirds of a year. I'm enjoying a clean life and looking forward to clean holidays; time where I can relax with my family, enjoy my time, and not feel like I need to sneak off and find the addiction. Here's hoping that I will stay clean through New Year's Day, and beyond! Here's to a happy holidays!
-A