Getting Free

I'm completely out of control. In every way. I'm trying to get back to where I can trust myself at all. But I'm not there. Not even close.

I'm trying.

But failing.

I need a better plan.

Accountability.

Lifestyle modifications.

Media changes.

Diet modifications (although no strict diet because those drive me crazy.)

And this time I'm adding actual counseling to the list. Two types, in fact. I'm working with an addiction recovery coach, and I'm also going to go to a generalist therapist who is available to me through my employer, who has wisely decided that this is a good year to offer “employee assistance” to their people so that we don't all go off the deep end.

Actually they've had it for years, but I only found out about it recently.

Anyway, I'm trying hard. I have support from people around me and I'm working to bring in more support.

Every time is the time. This is the time I break free.

The hooks that addiction uses to pull in are interesting, almost by definition. Addiction pulls us in by offering a shortcut to some form of happiness, some sort of cheat code to skip the hard parts of life.

Of course it's a lie. What addiction actually has is just a hook that pulls everything down into its well. The trip might be interesting the first few times, but once you're down there all you have is the hard struggle to get back up out. If you stay in the addiction well where all you have a basic stimulus response loop, dragging you deeper.

So yeah, that sucks. And it's kind of where I am. Every fun thing I used to want to do has been co-opted to move me to my addiction. Every time my mind is at rest for a single second addiction pulls at me, distracting me, draining the color from everything around it.

Trying to fight back again. Trying to develop the desire to climb up that hill again.

That's pretty much the whole post. I've been fighting this for literal decades. Sometimes I've been winning for a while, sometimes I've been losing for a while. The hardest part is believing that the fight is still worth fighting.

Day 171, used under the CC 1.0 Public Domain License

I can't find the reference right now, but I read that there was a philosopher who used Sisyphus as an example of a good life. The reasoning as I understand it goes like this:

Sisyphus has a given task. It has a specific end state, and it is one that can be reached on a daily basis. Every day he has to get that boulder to that peak. As he does this on a daily basis he can improve his technique, he can start to measure his performance today against his performance yesterday. Also his ability to move the boulder increases on a daily basis. The ancient myths don't tell us if the dead can bulk up, but they seem to have mostly human characteristics, so let's also assume that Sisyphus is getting stronger. If you compare Sisyphus' job to any other person's daily, menial jobs, it's no worse than, say, cleaning the house, even though it will get dirty again, or the annual cycle of planting/tending/harvesting/preparing that is farm work.

So, if I look at addiction recovery the same way, I can say that I have a daily, repeatable task. The task resets every day, and my job is to increase my performance on a daily basis. Also, regardless of Sisyphus' status, I am human and therefore can grow and improve.

So I'm trying to look at my recent setbacks in this light. Instead of seeing them as failures, they represent a chance to start again, look at what I did right last time, improve my technique, and push that boulder back up that hill.

It's easy to use 2020 in toto as an excuse for falling back into old bad habits. This has been a hard year for all of us, and it turns out that you can find just about any vice, even in lockdown. Interesting, isn't it?

But I don't really want an excuse. The last month has basically been a giant “setback” in the terminology of addiction recovery. I basically gave up, out of boredom and anger and angst and worry and bad decisions made late at night.

So I'm building up all the defenses I built the first time, shoring up walls, as it were. And this was one of them. So I'm trying again.

I might un-list this from Read.write.as. It feels very self-serving to take up space; if people want to see what I'm up to then people can find this blog on the wider internet.

Anyway. Today is 7 days free for this latest breakout attempt. I'm back, and I'm done giving up.

I thought I would have written this post a long time ago.

I thought I would never have to write this post.

After 245 days, I relapsed. Just once, and once again I am promising never again.

This sucks.

But I've got a lot of new tools in my toolbelt. If I can make it 245 days I can make it 365 days next time.

So, here's to next time. It starts now.

For various reasons, life is a bit more stressful right now than it has been. The usual stuff: money, family, work. Just

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to

as Hamlet would say. In other words: daily life.

But with that stress has come an added temptation to turn back to the addiction. This is also expected. It makes sense. For decades that was my approach to dealing with stress in my life.

Never mind the fact that, in the end, the effects of the addiction usually make the stress worse.

Never mind the fact that being addicted was a massive source of stress during those decades.

Never mind the fact that I always feel worse about myself—and my situation— when I'm coming out of the effects of using than I felt before I used.

Yes, you're right. I'm saying all this to remind myself of these facts. The urge is strong right now, but as I remind myself of how foolish it is I can feel it loosening just a bit. Probably enough that I can wriggle my way free and avoid using for another day. Enough that I can look for healthy ways of dealing with life. Enough that I can recognize that I need to face my stresses, not try to cover them with the chemical blitz that comes from using.

205 days clean. That's more than half a year. Here's to the next 205.

-A

A day or so ago I was driving, listening to the radio, and a song came on that I have tried to avoid. For me, a year ago, it was full of hooks that would pull me towards my addiction. As I changed the channel (no reason to tempt fate) I had a flashback to the last time I had heard that song. I remembered thinking, at the time, “man, how can I not use, hearing that?” Here in the present, the hooks seemed silly, even trivial. They did not make me feel like I had to go use right away, not at all.

Of course I still changed the channel, but it was a startling realization. The song itself wasn't really a hook, the hook was inside me the whole time!

It was a good feeling, and some needed confidence, especially before last night.

What Happened Last Night?

Last night the urge was strong. I'm not sure if it's been three weeks or what, but I was sorely tried, and it felt like sneaking out of bed and going out to find my addiction was inevitable. I forced myself to stay in bed (staying in bed shouldn't be an act of will, I know. But it was) and then I dreamed that I was using. So when I half-awoke I was sure that I had already ruined my streak, and felt like I was back in the depths...until I realized that it had just been a dream. I still felt like I had failed when I got up a few hours later. Dreams are hard to shake sometimes.

Anyway. 191 days clean, according to the app I'm using to track that number in my phone. Almost two thirds of a year. I'm enjoying a clean life and looking forward to clean holidays; time where I can relax with my family, enjoy my time, and not feel like I need to sneak off and find the addiction. Here's hoping that I will stay clean through New Year's Day, and beyond! Here's to a happy holidays!

-A

This seems to be the best first response to cravings. When I feel the craving hit I can also feel my breathing get more shallow as my system anticipates the dopamine hit that using gives. I feel my heart beat faster.

So I’ve been practicing, whenever I get that feeling, even if it’s not a craving thing. I sit back, take three deep breaths, try to get my mind, heart, and lungs back to calm.

This also gives me time to make a deliberate, rather than knee-jerk reaction. Is this really what I want to do? Am I heading down a road that will lead back to addiction? What can I do instead?

Usually by the last deep breath I have a plan of escape, and I’m ready to move to a better activity. And if I haven’t thought of a way out after three breaths, well, deep breaths are free. I can take a few more.

184 days so far. There have been some close calls lately, but I’ve stayed free of the stuff.

-A