Getting Free

Not sure if this is any sort of “official” milestone, but I just realized that I have passed an internal milestone.

I can be alone, and still be calm.

For the past few months being alone has been dangerous. When I'm alone my brain has been spinning into the “hey nobody's watching, let's use” mindset, and I've had to do some pretty fancy footwork to move out of that mindset into something healthier. This has also meant that I'm trying to limit my time alone, trying to stay close to people I love, people that support me and also look to me for support. That's definitely helped a lot.

But I realized that I can spend time alone and not be totally hijacked by cravings. My brain doesn't immediately start planning the route from where I am to where I can get my addiction, like it used to. I can just read a book or watch a show for a while and be fine.

That doesn't mean I'm letting my guard down. If anything, I'm training myself to plan the other route, the one from where I am to where I can get help. Cravings still come up, and they aren't actually on a schedule. I'm still keeping myself under observation, but I'm less terrified than I used to be. I've made it 178 days, and I have more hope that I can keep going.

167 days straight isn't bad! Keeping the streak alive this long has really started changing how I view the world.

I laugh a lot more now. I am investing more time and energy into the people I love. I'm no longer holding people out away from me, because I'm no longer afraid they'll discover my secret. I don't have that secret any more. Mostly because I'm no longer afraid of letting people know. I don't say “I used to be addicted to the addiction”, I say “I struggle with addiction, but I've been doing pretty good lately.” and for the most part people are fine with it.

Three Weeks and Two Peaks

This was going to be a separate post, but meh, I'll just put them together.

I've noticed a pattern lately. Cravings come on a three-week cycle, more or less, and when I think I've finally weathered the worst of it, there's a second peak a day or so later. I'm not saying this is how it'll work for everyone, or even how it will work for me next month. But it's helpful for me to know that the first “attack” of cravings isn't alone, that it's got an aftershock that will be along in a bit, and I need to keep myself steeled up and busy that much longer.

Staying busy and active is easier, though. I'm more involved in people, like I said, and so I have less free time to just sit and stress about relapsing. I'm slowly trying to build the rest of my life into something I'm genuinely happy about, taking on new projects or commitments at a rate I think I can handle. There's a lot of time and “brain space” open to me now that used to be tied up in being addicted. It's nice.

I obviously am not totally out of the woods, not sure I will ever be, but I'm in a very good place right now and I'm happy.

-A

It's been over 130 days now. I have been free from using for over four months.

And I still think about using every day.

This is a bit frustrating, because I kind of hoped 90 days would be the cut off point. The point at which I stopped needing it so badly. But it still gnaws at me. On some level I feel like I'm still just staving off the inevitable moment when I fall back into using. Part of me feels like my freedom is a sham.

But yesterday the title of this post popped into my head, and brought with it all the context I'll lay out below. What did I Expect?

Did I expect thirty-some-odd years of off and on again addiction to disappear in three months? Did I think that the deep, deep ruts I've made in my brain would smooth out and disappear in a matter of weeks?

Did I expect this to be that easy?

And in a surprising way, that thought was comforting. This fight isn't over. It won't be for a long time. I'm not failing because total freedom wasn't achieved in three months, I'm still winning because I'm still resolved to win, and I work towards “winning” day after day. Every. Single. Day.

So the urges can come and I will fight. The desperation can set in and I will weather it. The guilt and shame and depression and attack and I will call on every resource at my disposal to assuage them. And I mean all of them. I have been more open with my spouse and religious leaders this time, letting them help me and letting them know that I need their help. I have been more serious about my therapy, letting those who are skilled in addiction recovery help me overcome my weakness.

What did I expect? Did I expect I would be free? Yep.

And I still expect that, someday, I will be. I got the timing wrong, but that doesn't mean I was entirely wrong. I'm in this for the long fight. And this time I brought backup.

I'm so tired of trying so hard. I guess this is the next step, the next challenge. The novelty of staying free is wearing off and now I just need to keep at it.

Reality is boring and dull and difficult and I would sincerely like to dive back into using. I would really like to just give up and fall apart. Except I know it's only appealing before I give up, the actual world of addiction is hollow and frantic and guilt-ridden and miserable.

But right now I almost don't care.

I'm still holding strong, and I'm going through all my usual avoidance rituals, including, well, this blog.

Still hanging in there, over a hundred and ten days clean. Might be near 120. Not sure.

Still hanging in there.

-A

This isn't the first time I've experienced a period of being free from this addiction. Many years ago, when I had been addicted for only a year or so, I broke free for a while. And it made a noticeable difference.

“What's changed with you?” one of my friends asked one morning, apropos of nothing.

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno... you seem, older, wiser, more serene, somehow.” She said.

I don't really remember my response. Something along the lines of “I've been making some changes in my life” or some such noncommittal nonsense.

But obviously her words have stuck with me, down through all these years. Now that I'm more than a hundred days free, I ask myself, am I again “older, wiser, more serene”?

Self inventory:

Do I feel:

• Older: Always. Day by day. More on this in a moment.
• Wiser: Not...terribly. I've been through all this before. It's entirely possible I've learned everything I can from the cycle of addiction and freedom and now it's time to leave that cycle behind and just stay free so I can learn new things.
• More serene: Actually yes. I no longer feel haunted by self-loathing. I no longer feel like every person I meet might be able to see my secret shame somehow. I'm able to own who I have been and who I'm trying to be. (Well, to a degree. I'm still not going to publish my name and addiction here. I may be learning serenity, but I'm not stupid.)

But back to “older”. What I've found this time around is that I'm feeling younger. I randomly sing songs around the house more freely. I laugh a lot more. Because my guard isn't always up, I can be more silly and excited and laugh more.

The Inevitable Cautionary Part

In a group meeting a person who had made it to 270+ days free had a relapse. It was a crushing blow for them and their loved ones, and we spent a lot of time helping them feel like they can still move forward. They were almost three times farther out than I am now, and a momentary break still led to a setback. I may be feeling younger and more serene, but that in no way means that I should let my guard down.

-A

Just over 100 days free. Three digits, right? Cool, right?

To be honest I'm less concerned with the number of days behind me, I'm trying to keep my focus on this day, same as always.

But here's something that has changed.

When I started this blog I still very much though of myself as an addict, pretty much first and foremost. For the past two years I have called myself “an addict who is trying to get free”. But “an addict” has been my main personality trait for a long time. Not that I would have ever admitted that to anyone else, but if I asked myself “what are you?” the first word that would come up would be “addict”, or something even more derogatory.

But it's not anymore. Now I'm a person who deals with addiction. The addiction has moved down the list, from the main noun I use to describe myself, to being an external noun with which I am dealing. It's still there; I'm still keeping an eye on it, doing everything I can to avoid it and keep it at arm's length, or farther, but it's not me anymore.

There are even moments, each day, quiet moments where nothing is on my mind and I'm not instantly seized by the desire to go find my addiction and use again. I know that sounds like a small thing but I assure you it is not.

So hey, here's to progress, and to little steps. Words matter. I'm glad that I'm able to use slightly less condemning words about myself now.

-Not-just-“A”

I have passed the magic number! I'm more than 90 days clean!

So, am I sharper, more aware, more alert?

Well.......

Yes, actually, in some ways. I'm reading more, and more dense texts again. I'm reading a lot more non-fiction than I ever have, and I'm able to focus on and enjoy it more than I ever have.

But it's not like some switch flipped last week, and made me all better. I'm still worried about relapse, if anything I'm more worried about relapse.

But the opposite is also true. I made it this far, and I feel like I can keep going. I feel more likelihood of getting truly free than I ever have before.

I guess this sort of fits with this whole process. I have made progress, and I can see that progress, but it's never a magic light switch, it's always one day at a time.

-A

I don’t like camping. I don’t like being out away from my life that I’ve built. But maybe it’s a good idea to try something out of my comfort zone? Maybe I can make a new comfort zone outside of here?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going full “granola”, but part of changing myself seems to include trying to enjoy other things. So we’ll see. Maybe this will be good.

-A

And that's part of why I'm doing this. I want to celebrate Christmas without thinking about when I can get away from my family and use. I want to celebrate the Fourth of July without the addiction. I've been clean longer this time than have in a long time, and this Fourth of July I'm celebrating independence from addiction.

I'm slowly re-learning all the good things that exist in the real world, and being able to experience them without that specific haze is adding a new sheen to them. I still have cravings, I still have the physical pains that my recovery support friends and therapists say are just part of the process, but they're fading, and I'm starting to feel more hope that maybe, juuuuuuuust maybe, this time I can be free. I don't need to fall back into it again.

-A

Made it. The craving has subsided again. If history is any indicator, I'll be fairly okay for another week or two. But one feeling remains:

The feeling that, no matter how far I've come, how many days I've strung together, I'm always roughly five minutes away from relapse.

I've learned to stop imagining the steps that lead to using, because I swear it stirs up the same feelings. It's self-sabotage. That's just an avenue of thought that I have to cut myself off from completely.

I've learned (I hope I've learned this...) that I'm never so free that I can stop being careful. I rail against this some times. I want to just be normal, to just go through life without constantly watching myself to see if I'm backsliding.

But that isn't my lot in life. And really, this isn't actually a huge problem. Many people deal with far larger issues. Ya know, things like war, poverty, abuse, discrimination... I have it easy. I have one little problem that I have to deal with.

So I'm dealing with it. One day at a time, watching my own back for signs of backsliding, cutting myself off from certain things that might draw me back in.

Tomorrow marks eighty days free. That's the longest I've gone in three years, as near as I can tell. Here's hoping for eighty more.

-A